Know The Signs and Solutions

The words narcissistic, passive aggressive and gaslighting are fast becoming ‘trend’ words that are overused,  misused and out of context, which dangerously dilutes the seriousness of these diagnosed descriptors for those on the receiving end of such pathological behaviours.  

True gaslighting is the most Machiavellian, malicious  form of emotional and psychological abuse, commonly attributed to dysfunctional marriages and so called ‘love’ relationships. 

However, be aware, that there are many areas where  this insidious and dangerous form of abuse can occur e.g.   friendships,  groups, sports clubs and the workplace. This post will outline what can happen in the workplace and comes with a trigger warning. 

While this blog topic may be uncomfortable to read, the genuine intent in writing is to inform and share healing strategies with those who may have suffered, or are still suffering, in this awful space.  Hopefully it helps to avoid the potential litany of severe psychological consequences and guides those who have to manage these distressing situations. 

Depending on how long the gaslighting has been going on, the victim can suffer from a plethora of mental health diagnoses resulting in a quagmire of self doubt: 

• post traumatic stress disorder

• mental exhaustion 

• heightened anxiety

• depressed mood 

• erosion of self confidence

• loss of motivation and self worth

In an effort to empower both men and women to navigate this mistreatment, outlined below are some of the characteristics and behaviours of a Gaslighter, how to recognise if/when it’s happening to you, strategies for managing this toxic environment and how to take back control and ownership of yourself. 

The Signs

A Gaslighter is smart, intelligent and a master manipulator who, more often than not,  is excellent at their job.  

A Gaslighter can falsely appear as your best friend/workplace ally;  taking you into their confidence, feigning care and in some way, shape or form, ensuring their good work and acts of kindness towards you are in full view of as many coworkers as possible; very cleverly covering their proverbial!  

More than likely your initial period working with a Gaslighter will be positive, with your work being complimented, your thoughts and opinions valued and you may even have felt respected and appreciated. However, be aware, your success is actually a massive issue, as it means the Gaslighter has no real control over you yet and is not the centre of attention.  

Eventually, the slow and artful employment of invisible gaslighting techniques and passive aggressive bullying techniques begin in an effort to gain the complete control they must have. 

A Gaslighter is usually only one person, however, it is not unheard of for them to cleverly rally a band of trusty supporters to back them up in their quest to disrespect and discredit you, cast aspersions on your competency and character, as well as sabotaging or undermining your work efforts. 

It comes as no surprise therefore, that when birds of a feather flock together, the same attitudes and behaviours abound from the Gaslighter’s supporters towards the person targeted.  This is known as splitting, as they love to pit people against each other. 

A professional Gaslighter is often also a narcissist who, along with all the attention, needs complete knowledge and control of their target’s work role, connections, ideas and achievements. 

Remember, the ultimate goal here is to be in control of you, discredit you, your character and undermine your performance in your role, thereby creating such an elusively hostile environment that you may well end up leaving, which after all, is their desired outcome.  

Make no bones about it, those that employ these tactics are fully aware of what they are doing, they know it is wrong and if you challenge them directly, they will only up the ante to wreak even more workplace havoc for you.    It is literally their way or the highway! 

The most difficult and frustrating thing about the gaslighting environment in the workplace is its invisibility.  This causes the victim to feel alone, confused and on the edge of mental health crisis, believing that they have nowhere to turn to for help. 

But don’t despair people!   There is hope!!! 

The Solutions

Should you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of receiving this type of toxicity, there are a number of ways to approach taking back control of your work environment, setting boundaries and minimising a Gaslighter’s damage to your mental health.  

1. Educate Yourself On Gaslighting
It’s hard not to take things personally in a gaslighting situation. However, realise that Gaslighters are the ones with the problem. They’re trying to manipulate you, typically to regain control of their own lives or boost their bad self-esteem. Certainly, there’s no allowing, or excusing pathological behaviour, but once you view their actions from that perspective, you’ll be able to take their treatment less personally and regain some power in the relationship.  

2. Get Some Outside Advice
Because Gaslighting clouds your own perception of the situation, confide in your family and friends, professionals e.g. your doctor or a psychologist/counsellor,  for support and a more objective reading of what’s going on.

3. Reconnect With Your Intuition
To recover from Gaslighting, you need to stand up for yourself and your emotions. But first, you need to remember what and how you feel. Victims of prolonged gaslighting often stop listening to their own voice because when they’re always criticised/negated/disregarded/ignored, what’s the point, right?  Try journaling or meditating to rekindle your inner voice. With more awareness of your emotions, you’ll be better prepared to fight for them.  

4. Don't Confront Them Directly
Since Gaslighters respond to criticism with personal attacks, they’ll feel threatened by any direct challenge and retaliate. They may even accuse you of gaslighting them. So, as much as you can, try to avoid contact.  Instead, consult HR for strategies on minimising your time with them.

5. Write It Down
When you have to engage with a Gaslighter, write down exactly what happened. Describe what happened, when it happened and how it made you feel. By putting it on paper, you’re taking the time to process, as well as validate, your own emotions, which will help you resist the manipulation. Also, the next time you’re questioning your sanity, you can read those past incidents to get the record straight. 
Bonus: If the situation escalates to HR, you’ll be able to support your case with documentation of specific events.

6. Consciously Affirm Your Self
In your log, always follow up your entries with a personal affirmation: “I am valued,” “I am worthy,” “I am loved.” Even if you have to fake it at first, it’ll help you repair your self-worth after a gaslighting incident.

7. Prepare For A Struggle—And Leave If You Have To
Remember, Gaslighters thrive off their control of you, your desire for approval and fear of abandonment/criticism and control. As much as they upset you, you try to make things work in an effort to make the situation better, trying to avoid feeding their baseless reasons for further rejecting you. So, prepare to second-guess yourself as you break away from their web, it takes time to heal from this type of assault.  

In the end, if all your efforts fail and if you are not fully supported by your workplace, it may be the safest and most appropriate option for you to leave your job. Your sanity and self-worth are way more valuable than sacrificing your mental health for someone's unchecked ego and a salary!

The above-mentioned solutions list is taken from the Career Contessa Website in their article on Gaslighting.  To read more go here: https://www.careercontessa.com/advice/gaslighting-in-the-office/

And 

For a great read on this topic, the article below from The Guardian is worth reading:  https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/02/abuse-prevention-how-to-turn-off-the-gaslighters

When The Cracks Start to Appear

There are many wonderful things about being a parent, but I am under no illusion - it is one of the hardest jobs any of us parents will ever undertake.  Add into that parenting mix, a child with a disability and your parenting gets catapulted to a whole new level! 

As a young Mum to three little boys, I was very excited when my girl was finally born.  Firstly it meant I was not going to do the pregnancy thing again, and secondly it meant I got to be a 'girl-Mum' as well as a 'boy-Mum.'  What a beautiful gift!  I was beyond happy with my little family. 

Being child number four, it soon became clear to me that something was not quite right with my little lady, and so began the journey into this new normal world of being Mum to three little boys and a disabled daughter.   

It was an intense time, of doctors, early intervention, hospitals, medications, watching her every move, celebrating every tiny achievement that made me hope things would be 'normal' and soon my whole world was consumed with trying to work out what her diagnosis was, how did this happen? How do I help this little person live safely, be healthy, be loved and cared for in the way she needed? All at the same time as being Mum to three little boys and meeting their needs. I kept going like a freight train! Kept doing what needed done for my family, continually thinking about the future and how that would pan out for us all.  

Hindsight is always 20/20 and I would say that right there the first big crack was appearing unbeknown to me.  In fact, it was so far off my radar there was no way I could have seen it, as my sole focus was what needed to be done for my family, my boys and especially my girl - because she was the one who had the highest care needs and I wanted to protect her.  

I paid absolutely no attention to my own health, mental health and emotional needs.  I avoided looking at the grief I needed to process around having a disabled child and it being my only daughter and my absolute dread of what the future held.  It was so easy to keep busy with four children aged 7, 6, 3 and 2 and working a part-time job, to push my needs aside - after all that's what 'a good mother does!' 

Time marched on, life happened, my marriage disintegrated, I relocated back to Australia with my youngest two, my older boys had moved out, their Dad worked overseas, I got full-time work and in all of this chaos called life, I was caring for and supporting my daughter alone, navigating her changing behaviours and her disability, getting her into new schools/service providers/new home, selling and buying houses at the same time as trying to keep fit, find a job that I loved enough to make into a career and, God forbid, have a social life!!
  
I suffered anxiety and panic attacks all the time but kept it hidden, I actually used to drive to work in the morning, shaking and crying to one of my jobs; after getting my girl up, fed, dressed and out the door.    I could feel my energy draining and my mental health failing, but I just kept going while those cracks kept spreading.  

It got to a point where I knew I needed help, but the only family I had in town was my boys and I was continually asking for their support.  Their Dad was still working overseas and he would say, "the boys will help you" or "get the boys to do that" etc.   It's normal to do that I know, but when they are young men who need to be living their own lives, that pressure to support me was immense and was the final crack that caused the earthquake that nearly ruined the family dynamic that I held so dear to my heart.  

In 2013 I had a heart incident and was rushed to hospital in the middle of the night while my angel was sound asleep in bed.  I had to call my oldest son to come down to my place - luckily he answered his phone immediately, which was odd as it was 1.30 a.m. on a week night.  The ambulance was in the driveway with me strapped in, with all monitors on me and we could go nowhere because there was nobody in the house to look after my daughter.   For me this was an almighty wake-up call. I could have died.  My girl could have been in the house on her own and there was no way she was able to contact anyone to help her.  Something had to change.   The sad thing is that at this point in time  our family dynamic was extremely strained. My boys didn't like me, they felt all I did was ask them for help - which was true!  The cracks were massive. 

This was a pivotal moment in our family's life and so I called a meeting a few months after I was out of hospital to discuss what, for me, was an extremely heart breaking situation.  Everything that I had given all my life for was crumbling round about me and I did not want to lose my family.  My boys did not know how much I loved them, they thought because all I ever did was talk about my daughter and her need for help and support, that I was not interested or cared about them and their lives.  Of course that was the furthest thing from the truth, as I was just single handedly doing what needed to be done for their sister, but I had to step back and look at things from their point of view and I could see why they would think that.  

Being completely honest it was one of the saddest moments in my life to think that my boys didn't know that I loved them as much as I loved their sister.  This is a crack that you need to pre-empt.  This is what I didn't do well in my parenting journey.  I don't give myself a hard time about it as I know I was only doing my best, but it is a crack that can be avoided if you recognise it early enough.  However, in trying to fix this crack I did go to the other extreme in trying not to put pressure on my boys in any way shape or form and backed off from calling them, or asking them to be in touch with me for fear of making them feel any pressure.  It is 

such a hard balancing act to play.  I am still learning how to manage this today.   

The old saying that prevention is better than cure is so true in this circumstance.  If you as a parent can recognise the cracks as they start to appear it might mean that you won't have to go down the road I did.  

Look out for exhaustion, agitation, anxiety, crankiness, impatience, resentment, declining health, fragile mental health, feeling overwhelmed, unsupported, feeling alone, recognising you never get a break just for you without having to organise everyone round about you to look after your disabled family member, fractured family relationships and the list goes on. 

Make sure you push the stop button.  Call a crisis family meeting with a mediator there.  Reach out to someone like me who has lived experience of this hardest of times and who will never judge you or what you are going through.  You are doing the best you can.  Know that carers need to be cared for or those cracks will become cavernous and swallow families up in a maelstrom of brokenness that ultimately leaves the person with disability in an entirely vulnerable space that nobody wants. 

My family and I have come out the other side of all that messiness.  I am not sure if we have come out of it totally unscathed, but it is now 100 percent better than it was and I have managed to put things in place around my daughter and her living circumstance that allows our family dynamic to be somewhat normalised and where we live in relative peace -even knowing her care will be never-ending.  

As for today when cracks appear ?? I don't shut up and hide! I reach out and gratefully receive offers of help to smooth over those cracks so I can get back to living my life for me.  

My email is karen.140@gmail.com and if you need to reach out, please don't hesitate to contact me.    

A Pop-Up-Shop With Soul

Fifteen months ago an excellent fundraising idea created in the head of my wonderful friend and 'boss' came to fruition: A Vintage Shop themed on the Rat Pack where 100 percent of the proceeds go back to help the homeless. 

We worked for a non-profit organisation that helps the homeless and vulnerable in our community and after many months of planning, securing a venue, receiving and tagging stock donations, shop fit out and volunteer drives, we opened the doors of St Pat's Rack on Melbourne Cup day 2012. 

Yesterday was our very last day of involvement with St Pat's and St Pat's Rack and as a shout out and cheerio,  LG and I decided to spend the day at St Pat's Rack to see old friends, at the same time as raising money and going out on a high note. 

What a day it was; friends we had not managed to catch up with last week at our farewell do showed up at the shop. All the shop's regular clients appeared too as we sat outside drinking coffee, encouraging all passers by to come in and grab a bargain with a feel good factor!  

It really proved to me what a wonderful community building place St Pat's Rack had become in such a short space of time. It has changed the lives of many people and also changed people's perception of the homeless and vulnerable.  

St Pat's Rack was our baby and we felt sad that we would no longer be involved, but immensely proud of all that we had achieved and absolutely delighted that in a year of operations we had raised $30,000 above our costs.  

It is never boring at the Rack.  All walks of life and characters pop their heads in the door, with some of those wonderful people sharing their amazing talents. Yesterday we were graced with the presence and performance of a seriously impressive opera singer from Italy! 

  

LG had the vision, theme and drive to make this Pop-Up-Shop-with-Soul the success it is.  A MASSIVE thank you goes out to her creativity and attention to detail.  Another huge thank you must go out to all the volunteers who worked in the shop, without them there would be no shop and no funds raised. 

Never underestimate the power of a great idea, good intent and positive energy. It changes lives and communities.