My Disease

Exhausted Drained
Emotions Wrought
Feelings Avoided
Intensely Fought

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

Tear Drenched
Consumed Thoughts
Control Lacking
Sanity Lost

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

Sick Thinking
Fear of Feeling
Self Will Rioting
Isolation Seeking

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

Compulsive Consuming
Mindless Mastication
Soul Sacrifice
Momentary Gratification

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

My Disease.

Where Do I Begin?

I don't know where to begin and yet I am so good at telling others where to begin - how do I do it, where do I even make a start??

I thought that by now I might have "got it", or at least have an understanding of how to start, but as I let go of all the things that I "used", as the emotions rear their very much alive and extremely sensitive heads, I realize that everything I have learned so far in my life and journey to recovery has been head knowledge that has not yet been imprinted on my heart or in my soul.

I am talking about actual, real, true, no nonsense LOVE of myself.

I LOVE people: my friends; family; strangers; babies; old people - I go out of my way to be nice; friendly; caring; interested; loving; compassionate; respectful; fun and giving - the list could go on - however, I do NOT know how to afford myself the same pleasure that I so tirelessly ensure I give to others. Subconsciously I have used any number of ways out-with my soul to try to fulfill the almost primal need in me to be loved - even though common sense dictated that nothing external can ever bring me peace of mind and happiness in my soul.

How does one begin to love themselves? It is a totally alien concept to me. Even typing about it feels uncomfortable. Yet, I know that until I learn to do just that, things in my life will not change for the better.

How do you love yourself, when you loathe yourself? Where do I find the compassion needed to forgive myself the harms I have done. How do I gain the where-with-all to care about what I feel, to believe my worth, to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I matter?

This is the next part of my journey to me. I have done a lot of external caring i.e. health checks, dentist, physiotherapy etc. I THOUGHT I had done a lot of internal work on my spiritual connection and emotional health - but I was wrong.

I admit there is a problem here, I just do not know how to love myself. Can anyone tell me where to start??

Starting Over

This is the beginning of the next level in my journey..experiencing the lifetime of emotions that have been hidden in the deep dark crevices of my mind!!! Watch this space..........plus its a test to see how this blogspot works :)