Where Do I Begin?

I don't know where to begin and yet I am so good at telling others where to begin - how do I do it, where do I even make a start??

I thought that by now I might have "got it", or at least have an understanding of how to start, but as I let go of all the things that I "used", as the emotions rear their very much alive and extremely sensitive heads, I realize that everything I have learned so far in my life and journey to recovery has been head knowledge that has not yet been imprinted on my heart or in my soul.

I am talking about actual, real, true, no nonsense LOVE of myself.

I LOVE people: my friends; family; strangers; babies; old people - I go out of my way to be nice; friendly; caring; interested; loving; compassionate; respectful; fun and giving - the list could go on - however, I do NOT know how to afford myself the same pleasure that I so tirelessly ensure I give to others. Subconsciously I have used any number of ways out-with my soul to try to fulfill the almost primal need in me to be loved - even though common sense dictated that nothing external can ever bring me peace of mind and happiness in my soul.

How does one begin to love themselves? It is a totally alien concept to me. Even typing about it feels uncomfortable. Yet, I know that until I learn to do just that, things in my life will not change for the better.

How do you love yourself, when you loathe yourself? Where do I find the compassion needed to forgive myself the harms I have done. How do I gain the where-with-all to care about what I feel, to believe my worth, to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I matter?

This is the next part of my journey to me. I have done a lot of external caring i.e. health checks, dentist, physiotherapy etc. I THOUGHT I had done a lot of internal work on my spiritual connection and emotional health - but I was wrong.

I admit there is a problem here, I just do not know how to love myself. Can anyone tell me where to start??