The words narcissistic, passive aggressive and gaslighting are fast becoming ‘trend’ words that are overused, misused and out of context, which dangerously dilutes the seriousness of these diagnosed descriptors for those on the receiving end of such pathological behaviours.
True gaslighting is the most Machiavellian, malicious form of emotional and psychological abuse, commonly attributed to dysfunctional marriages and so called ‘love’ relationships.
However, be aware, that there are many areas where this insidious and dangerous form of abuse can occur e.g. friendships, groups, sports clubs and the workplace. This post will outline what can happen in the workplace and comes with a trigger warning.
While this blog topic may be uncomfortable to read, the genuine intent in writing is to inform and share healing strategies with those who may have suffered, or are still suffering, in this awful space. Hopefully it helps to avoid the potential litany of severe psychological consequences and guides those who have to manage these distressing situations.
Depending on how long the gaslighting has been going on, the victim can suffer from a plethora of mental health diagnoses resulting in a quagmire of self doubt:
- post traumatic stress disorder
- mental exhaustion
- heightened anxiety
- depressed mood
- erosion of self confidence
- loss of motivation and self worth
The Signs
A Gaslighter is smart, intelligent and a master manipulator who, more often than not, is excellent at their job.A Gaslighter can falsely appear as your best friend/workplace ally; taking you into their confidence, feigning care and in some way, shape or form, ensuring their good work and acts of kindness towards you are in full view of as many coworkers as possible; very cleverly covering their proverbial!
More than likely your initial period working with a Gaslighter will be positive, with your work being complimented, your thoughts and opinions valued and you may even have felt respected and appreciated. However, be aware, your success is actually a massive issue, as it means the Gaslighter has no real control over you yet and is not the centre of attention.
Eventually, the slow and artful employment of invisible gaslighting techniques and passive aggressive bullying techniques begin in an effort to gain the complete control they must have.
A Gaslighter is usually only one person, however, it is not unheard of for them to cleverly rally a band of trusty supporters to back them up in their quest to disrespect and discredit you, cast aspersions on your competency and character, as well as sabotaging or undermining your work efforts.
It comes as no surprise therefore, that when birds of a feather flock together, the same attitudes and behaviours abound from the Gaslighter’s supporters towards the person targeted. This is known as splitting, as they love to pit people against each other.
A professional Gaslighter is often also a narcissist who, along with all the attention, needs complete knowledge and control of their target’s work role, connections, ideas and achievements.
Remember, the ultimate goal here is to be in control of you, discredit you, your character and undermine your performance in your role, thereby creating such an elusively hostile environment that you may well end up leaving, which after all, is their desired outcome.
Make no bones about it, those that employ these tactics are fully aware of what they are doing, they know it is wrong and if you challenge them directly, they will only up the ante to wreak even more workplace havoc for you. It is literally their way or the highway!
The most difficult and frustrating thing about the gaslighting environment in the workplace is its invisibility. This causes the victim to feel alone, confused and on the edge of mental health crisis, believing that they have nowhere to turn to for help.
But don’t despair people! There is hope!!!
The Solutions
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1. Educate Yourself On Gaslighting
It’s hard not to take things personally in a gaslighting situation. However, realise that Gaslighters are the ones with the problem. They’re trying to manipulate you, typically to regain control of their own lives or boost their bad self-esteem. Certainly, there’s no allowing, or excusing pathological behaviour, but once you view their actions from that perspective, you’ll be able to take their treatment less personally and regain some power in the relationship.
2. Get Some Outside Advice
Because Gaslighting clouds your own perception of the situation, confide in your family and friends, professionals e.g. your doctor or a psychologist/counsellor, for support and a more objective reading of what’s going on.
3. Reconnect With Your Intuition
To recover from Gaslighting, you need to stand up for yourself and your emotions. But first, you need to remember what and how you feel. Victims of prolonged gaslighting often stop listening to their own voice because when they’re always criticised/negated/disregarded/ignored, what’s the point, right? Try journaling or meditating to rekindle your inner voice. With more awareness of your emotions, you’ll be better prepared to fight for them.
4. Don't Confront Them Directly
Since Gaslighters respond to criticism with personal attacks, they’ll feel threatened by any direct challenge and retaliate. They may even accuse you of gaslighting them. So, as much as you can, try to avoid contact. Instead, consult HR for strategies on minimising your time with them.
5. Write It Down
When you have to engage with a Gaslighter, write down exactly what happened. Describe what happened, when it happened and how it made you feel. By putting it on paper, you’re taking the time to process, as well as validate, your own emotions, which will help you resist the manipulation. Also, the next time you’re questioning your sanity, you can read those past incidents to get the record straight.
Bonus: If the situation escalates to HR, you’ll be able to support your case with documentation of specific events.
6. Consciously Affirm Your Self
In your log, always follow up your entries with a personal affirmation: “I am valued,” “I am worthy,” “I am loved.” Even if you have to fake it at first, it’ll help you repair your self-worth after a gaslighting incident.
7. Prepare For A Struggle—And Leave If You Have To
Remember, Gaslighters thrive off their control of you, your desire for approval and fear of abandonment/criticism and control. As much as they upset you, you try to make things work in an effort to make the situation better, trying to avoid feeding their baseless reasons for further rejecting you. So, prepare to second-guess yourself as you break away from their web, it takes time to heal from this type of assault.
In the end, if all your efforts fail and if you are not fully supported by your workplace, it may be the safest and most appropriate option for you to leave your job. Your sanity and self-worth are way more valuable than sacrificing your mental health for someone's unchecked ego and a salary!
The above-mentioned solutions list is taken from the Career Contessa Website in their article on Gaslighting. To read more go here: https://www.careercontessa.com/advice/gaslighting-in-the-office/
And
For a great read on this topic, the article below from The Guardian is worth reading: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/02/abuse-prevention-how-to-turn-off-the-gaslighters
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