Know The Signs and Solutions

The words narcissistic, passive aggressive and gaslighting are fast becoming ‘trend’ words that are overused,  misused and out of context, which dangerously dilutes the seriousness of these diagnosed descriptors for those on the receiving end of such pathological behaviours.  

True gaslighting is the most Machiavellian, malicious  form of emotional and psychological abuse, commonly attributed to dysfunctional marriages and so called ‘love’ relationships. 

However, be aware, that there are many areas where  this insidious and dangerous form of abuse can occur e.g.   friendships,  groups, sports clubs and the workplace. This post will outline what can happen in the workplace and comes with a trigger warning. 

While this blog topic may be uncomfortable to read, the genuine intent in writing is to inform and share healing strategies with those who may have suffered, or are still suffering, in this awful space.  Hopefully it helps to avoid the potential litany of severe psychological consequences and guides those who have to manage these distressing situations. 

Depending on how long the gaslighting has been going on, the victim can suffer from a plethora of mental health diagnoses resulting in a quagmire of self doubt: 

• post traumatic stress disorder

• mental exhaustion 

• heightened anxiety

• depressed mood 

• erosion of self confidence

• loss of motivation and self worth

In an effort to empower both men and women to navigate this mistreatment, outlined below are some of the characteristics and behaviours of a Gaslighter, how to recognise if/when it’s happening to you, strategies for managing this toxic environment and how to take back control and ownership of yourself. 

The Signs

A Gaslighter is smart, intelligent and a master manipulator who, more often than not,  is excellent at their job.  

A Gaslighter can falsely appear as your best friend/workplace ally;  taking you into their confidence, feigning care and in some way, shape or form, ensuring their good work and acts of kindness towards you are in full view of as many coworkers as possible; very cleverly covering their proverbial!  

More than likely your initial period working with a Gaslighter will be positive, with your work being complimented, your thoughts and opinions valued and you may even have felt respected and appreciated. However, be aware, your success is actually a massive issue, as it means the Gaslighter has no real control over you yet and is not the centre of attention.  

Eventually, the slow and artful employment of invisible gaslighting techniques and passive aggressive bullying techniques begin in an effort to gain the complete control they must have. 

A Gaslighter is usually only one person, however, it is not unheard of for them to cleverly rally a band of trusty supporters to back them up in their quest to disrespect and discredit you, cast aspersions on your competency and character, as well as sabotaging or undermining your work efforts. 

It comes as no surprise therefore, that when birds of a feather flock together, the same attitudes and behaviours abound from the Gaslighter’s supporters towards the person targeted.  This is known as splitting, as they love to pit people against each other. 

A professional Gaslighter is often also a narcissist who, along with all the attention, needs complete knowledge and control of their target’s work role, connections, ideas and achievements. 

Remember, the ultimate goal here is to be in control of you, discredit you, your character and undermine your performance in your role, thereby creating such an elusively hostile environment that you may well end up leaving, which after all, is their desired outcome.  

Make no bones about it, those that employ these tactics are fully aware of what they are doing, they know it is wrong and if you challenge them directly, they will only up the ante to wreak even more workplace havoc for you.    It is literally their way or the highway! 

The most difficult and frustrating thing about the gaslighting environment in the workplace is its invisibility.  This causes the victim to feel alone, confused and on the edge of mental health crisis, believing that they have nowhere to turn to for help. 

But don’t despair people!   There is hope!!! 

The Solutions

Should you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of receiving this type of toxicity, there are a number of ways to approach taking back control of your work environment, setting boundaries and minimising a Gaslighter’s damage to your mental health.  

1. Educate Yourself On Gaslighting
It’s hard not to take things personally in a gaslighting situation. However, realise that Gaslighters are the ones with the problem. They’re trying to manipulate you, typically to regain control of their own lives or boost their bad self-esteem. Certainly, there’s no allowing, or excusing pathological behaviour, but once you view their actions from that perspective, you’ll be able to take their treatment less personally and regain some power in the relationship.  

2. Get Some Outside Advice
Because Gaslighting clouds your own perception of the situation, confide in your family and friends, professionals e.g. your doctor or a psychologist/counsellor,  for support and a more objective reading of what’s going on.

3. Reconnect With Your Intuition
To recover from Gaslighting, you need to stand up for yourself and your emotions. But first, you need to remember what and how you feel. Victims of prolonged gaslighting often stop listening to their own voice because when they’re always criticised/negated/disregarded/ignored, what’s the point, right?  Try journaling or meditating to rekindle your inner voice. With more awareness of your emotions, you’ll be better prepared to fight for them.  

4. Don't Confront Them Directly
Since Gaslighters respond to criticism with personal attacks, they’ll feel threatened by any direct challenge and retaliate. They may even accuse you of gaslighting them. So, as much as you can, try to avoid contact.  Instead, consult HR for strategies on minimising your time with them.

5. Write It Down
When you have to engage with a Gaslighter, write down exactly what happened. Describe what happened, when it happened and how it made you feel. By putting it on paper, you’re taking the time to process, as well as validate, your own emotions, which will help you resist the manipulation. Also, the next time you’re questioning your sanity, you can read those past incidents to get the record straight. 
Bonus: If the situation escalates to HR, you’ll be able to support your case with documentation of specific events.

6. Consciously Affirm Your Self
In your log, always follow up your entries with a personal affirmation: “I am valued,” “I am worthy,” “I am loved.” Even if you have to fake it at first, it’ll help you repair your self-worth after a gaslighting incident.

7. Prepare For A Struggle—And Leave If You Have To
Remember, Gaslighters thrive off their control of you, your desire for approval and fear of abandonment/criticism and control. As much as they upset you, you try to make things work in an effort to make the situation better, trying to avoid feeding their baseless reasons for further rejecting you. So, prepare to second-guess yourself as you break away from their web, it takes time to heal from this type of assault.  

In the end, if all your efforts fail and if you are not fully supported by your workplace, it may be the safest and most appropriate option for you to leave your job. Your sanity and self-worth are way more valuable than sacrificing your mental health for someone's unchecked ego and a salary!

The above-mentioned solutions list is taken from the Career Contessa Website in their article on Gaslighting.  To read more go here: https://www.careercontessa.com/advice/gaslighting-in-the-office/

And 

For a great read on this topic, the article below from The Guardian is worth reading:  https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/02/abuse-prevention-how-to-turn-off-the-gaslighters

When The Cracks Start to Appear

There are many wonderful things about being a parent, but I am under no illusion - it is one of the hardest jobs any of us parents will ever undertake.  Add into that parenting mix, a child with a disability and your parenting gets catapulted to a whole new level! 

As a young Mum to three little boys, I was very excited when my girl was finally born.  Firstly it meant I was not going to do the pregnancy thing again, and secondly it meant I got to be a 'girl-Mum' as well as a 'boy-Mum.'  What a beautiful gift!  I was beyond happy with my little family. 

Being child number four, it soon became clear to me that something was not quite right with my little lady, and so began the journey into this new normal world of being Mum to three little boys and a disabled daughter.   

It was an intense time, of doctors, early intervention, hospitals, medications, watching her every move, celebrating every tiny achievement that made me hope things would be 'normal' and soon my whole world was consumed with trying to work out what her diagnosis was, how did this happen? How do I help this little person live safely, be healthy, be loved and cared for in the way she needed? All at the same time as being Mum to three little boys and meeting their needs. I kept going like a freight train! Kept doing what needed done for my family, continually thinking about the future and how that would pan out for us all.  

Hindsight is always 20/20 and I would say that right there the first big crack was appearing unbeknown to me.  In fact, it was so far off my radar there was no way I could have seen it, as my sole focus was what needed to be done for my family, my boys and especially my girl - because she was the one who had the highest care needs and I wanted to protect her.  

I paid absolutely no attention to my own health, mental health and emotional needs.  I avoided looking at the grief I needed to process around having a disabled child and it being my only daughter and my absolute dread of what the future held.  It was so easy to keep busy with four children aged 7, 6, 3 and 2 and working a part-time job, to push my needs aside - after all that's what 'a good mother does!' 

Time marched on, life happened, my marriage disintegrated, I relocated back to Australia with my youngest two, my older boys had moved out, their Dad worked overseas, I got full-time work and in all of this chaos called life, I was caring for and supporting my daughter alone, navigating her changing behaviours and her disability, getting her into new schools/service providers/new home, selling and buying houses at the same time as trying to keep fit, find a job that I loved enough to make into a career and, God forbid, have a social life!!
  
I suffered anxiety and panic attacks all the time but kept it hidden, I actually used to drive to work in the morning, shaking and crying to one of my jobs; after getting my girl up, fed, dressed and out the door.    I could feel my energy draining and my mental health failing, but I just kept going while those cracks kept spreading.  

It got to a point where I knew I needed help, but the only family I had in town was my boys and I was continually asking for their support.  Their Dad was still working overseas and he would say, "the boys will help you" or "get the boys to do that" etc.   It's normal to do that I know, but when they are young men who need to be living their own lives, that pressure to support me was immense and was the final crack that caused the earthquake that nearly ruined the family dynamic that I held so dear to my heart.  

In 2013 I had a heart incident and was rushed to hospital in the middle of the night while my angel was sound asleep in bed.  I had to call my oldest son to come down to my place - luckily he answered his phone immediately, which was odd as it was 1.30 a.m. on a week night.  The ambulance was in the driveway with me strapped in, with all monitors on me and we could go nowhere because there was nobody in the house to look after my daughter.   For me this was an almighty wake-up call. I could have died.  My girl could have been in the house on her own and there was no way she was able to contact anyone to help her.  Something had to change.   The sad thing is that at this point in time  our family dynamic was extremely strained. My boys didn't like me, they felt all I did was ask them for help - which was true!  The cracks were massive. 

This was a pivotal moment in our family's life and so I called a meeting a few months after I was out of hospital to discuss what, for me, was an extremely heart breaking situation.  Everything that I had given all my life for was crumbling round about me and I did not want to lose my family.  My boys did not know how much I loved them, they thought because all I ever did was talk about my daughter and her need for help and support, that I was not interested or cared about them and their lives.  Of course that was the furthest thing from the truth, as I was just single handedly doing what needed to be done for their sister, but I had to step back and look at things from their point of view and I could see why they would think that.  

Being completely honest it was one of the saddest moments in my life to think that my boys didn't know that I loved them as much as I loved their sister.  This is a crack that you need to pre-empt.  This is what I didn't do well in my parenting journey.  I don't give myself a hard time about it as I know I was only doing my best, but it is a crack that can be avoided if you recognise it early enough.  However, in trying to fix this crack I did go to the other extreme in trying not to put pressure on my boys in any way shape or form and backed off from calling them, or asking them to be in touch with me for fear of making them feel any pressure.  It is 

such a hard balancing act to play.  I am still learning how to manage this today.   

The old saying that prevention is better than cure is so true in this circumstance.  If you as a parent can recognise the cracks as they start to appear it might mean that you won't have to go down the road I did.  

Look out for exhaustion, agitation, anxiety, crankiness, impatience, resentment, declining health, fragile mental health, feeling overwhelmed, unsupported, feeling alone, recognising you never get a break just for you without having to organise everyone round about you to look after your disabled family member, fractured family relationships and the list goes on. 

Make sure you push the stop button.  Call a crisis family meeting with a mediator there.  Reach out to someone like me who has lived experience of this hardest of times and who will never judge you or what you are going through.  You are doing the best you can.  Know that carers need to be cared for or those cracks will become cavernous and swallow families up in a maelstrom of brokenness that ultimately leaves the person with disability in an entirely vulnerable space that nobody wants. 

My family and I have come out the other side of all that messiness.  I am not sure if we have come out of it totally unscathed, but it is now 100 percent better than it was and I have managed to put things in place around my daughter and her living circumstance that allows our family dynamic to be somewhat normalised and where we live in relative peace -even knowing her care will be never-ending.  

As for today when cracks appear ?? I don't shut up and hide! I reach out and gratefully receive offers of help to smooth over those cracks so I can get back to living my life for me.  

My email is karen.140@gmail.com and if you need to reach out, please don't hesitate to contact me.    

Mournful Musings

I am very blessed to have a beautiful family and true friendships in my life - especially at this time of going through the roller coaster journey that grief is. I can’t thank my sisters, family and friends (you know who you are) enough for their support, patience and care as I navigate these often emotionally murky waters. 

It’s been an interesting time since Mum’s passing, one that has led me to re-evaluate a lot of life ‘stuff,' and without doubt, one of the gifts this journey has brought is the clarification of what matters most in my life;  family and true friends.  

For some reason I’ve felt compelled to take stock of the many relationships in my life - including my relationship with myself.  Really checking in whether these relationships are healthy; working out whether they are emotionally/mentally healthy, enjoyable and a positive influence in my life.  

I tend to be a big softie, opening my arms, heart and home to people in an effort to accept and love them for who they are.  Holding that space for all personalities, opinions and beliefs to be what they are. However, I’ve realised that while it is indeed a good thing to be open and accepting, it is also good - and necessary - to ‘check in’ whether doing so is positive for me; making sure I hold that space where I give myself the same respect, loyalty and consideration that I offer others.  

Sunset with Friends

My meditative moments over these past weeks have brought me to a deeper understanding of the qualities that, for me,  make real and lasting friendships: 

• True friendship allows me to be myself; to be accepted for who I am. 

• True friendship doesn’t require censoring of conversation due to differences in opinions/belief systems/life philosophies.

• True friends afford each other the respect to speak/share their own truth/opinions without ridicule or negation. 

• If expected to follow social norms and protocols in life’s big moments e.g condolences/congratulations, and you are not afforded the same - that is not true friendship. 

My mournful musings and time of introspection have made me dig deep, really ask what is most important in my life. It is an undeniable fact that life is SO short, and that actually there need only be time in life for honest, loyal and true relationships with all the complexities they bring; no energy should be spent on anything else. 


“The building blocks of friendship are based on sharing the deepest parts of yourself and believing that they will be held sacred ....  If you don’t have trust in your friend you don’t have friendship. “

"Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words." George Eliot

Make sure to hold your dearest friendships in that sacred space of trust, check in that they are honest and loyal.  In doing so, I know you’ll enjoy the many gifts a loyal, long and lasting friendship brings to your life.

Thank you Mum! 💗

A Born Blether

I am a born blether!! However, I need to add the disclaimer that I don't always blether on about nothing!!  

I love nothing more than being involved in great conversation, fabulous stories and belly laughing humour. I'm sure part of that enjoyment is cultural - being Scottish we all love a good blether, but the other part is simply that I thoroughly enjoy connecting with people. It's a wonderful thing expanding your own life experience by getting to know others and listening to their life stories. 

I believe I also have the 'gift of the written gab.' Somehow what I write seems to connect with those who choose to read my creative compositions. 

It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to write for the public to read. While I had a deep desire to write from my soul, there was also the fear of judgement, fear that my material might be used against me, or that I was not as accomplished a writer as I thought I might be. I also questioned who would be interested in reading what I have to say - after all, who am I?? In the end I put all those unfounded fears aside and trusted that my intention to write was coming from a pure place. 

After a period of deliberation and a lot of encouragement from people in my life, I got brave! I started to write here on Karen-Ology and then created my personally risky blog - A Compulsive Story.  The sole purpose for writing about food addiction in the blog domain was in order to help any fellow human being who may be going through the same and the purpose of Karen-Ology is for me to put down in words my thoughts, my opinions, my loves, my joys and to let you get to know the essence of me!   

Maya Angelou said "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." 

I believe we all have a story to tell.  Having stories inside that are expressed in the written word, creates a soul connection with the reader akin to listening to a moving piece of music, watching an amazing dance routine or viewing an astounding painting.   All soul filling connections.

The art of writing is as powerful an art form as any of The Arts.  I know I am reading a great book when I am in that story, living each page, seeing, hearing, smelling and feeling the author's pictures painted by words. 

While I am no literary scholar, or even an accomplished writer, I do love to paint pictures with my words; imparting good vibes, an avenue of helpful connection or merely an opinion. Hopefully, I also manage to communicate a little bit of Karen-Ology blethering with you at the same time.  

Me and My Shadow

There comes a time in our lives when we have to get real.  A time when we have to look ourselves in the eye and be drop dead honest about our good and bad points. 

I used to be the kind of person that was terrified of being perceived as bad/not nice/wrong.  For an intelligent lady, it took me a fair while to understand that being perfect and doing everything right was virtually impossible; in fact striving for it was utterly exhausting. 

Nobody in this world is perfect, nobody has carte blanche on doing things right every single time and I now understand that part of  the whole human experience is owning our darker side, embracing instead of rejecting our shadow.  

For a long time I rejected my shadow, hid it from all and sundry due to fear of rejection, judgement or losing friends. In doing so I was in effect cutting myself off from a rich supply of information about how I tick. While this 'darkness' holds my unspoken fears, anger, judgements etc. it is very much part of who I am; for me to be a whole, truly happy human being, acceptance of the light as well as the dark side of me is extremely important.  

I am not for one minute suggesting that every time I make a mistake, or my shadow appears, I harshly criticise, judge, or beat myself up. However, what I do endeavour to do is learn from my negative actions and reactions, to see where I can grow and live in a more conscious way.  It is not comfortable to look at my shadow, but it is courageous and I am very grateful for every opportunity I have to become a better person today than I was yesterday.   

Carl Jung in his collected works says: "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.  If an inferiority is conscious, one always has a chance to correct it...but if it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, it never gets corrected."

Today, me and my shadow get along just fine! I actually do embrace that side of Karen.  I can laugh at some of my negative reactions, I know how to look for triggers to those moments that create a challenge in my life. Having learned how to handle that darker side of me has created a wholly positive outcome; a happier existence, self love, self acceptance and self respect. 

Get to know your shadow, embrace it, learn from it and be the amazing 'yin and yang' creation you are. 

Rosemary Loch Osborne

Rosemary was only 26 years old when she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer.  What the Big C didn't know about my cousin was that she was a fighter with an indomitable strength of spirit.  She had absolutely no intention of letting that disease have it's easy way with her. She had far too much life to live. 

Defying death sentence after death sentence in the 28 years she fought her disease, Rosemary married her lovely husband Julian, had her beautiful daughter Jayne, holidayed with her family around the world, enjoyed a good glass of red and smoked her cigarettes.  Never once did she feel sorry for herself that I saw and I remember her saying to me on one of my visits home "Karen, it's always so much worse for everyone else than it is for me the cancer patient, because I know what it feels like, they don't." 

Rosemary and Fiona

For purely geographical reasons, I have not had a lot to do with my cousins but there was always a close connection with Rosemary and her wee sister Fiona despite the miles. Whenever I revisited Scotland I always made the effort to catch up with these girls and enjoyed a very warm welcome with lots of laughs and chat about our families when we were kids. I have great memories of childhood times visiting my Aunt's and my favourite memory of Rosemary teaching my sisters and I how to disco dance!  

She was extremely pretty, fabulously fashionable, could dance Pans People under the table and was a right royal rebel at heart!  I used to look up to her in awe, wishing that I had her confidence, beauty and style - as all 12 year olds do when seeing their 16 year old cousin dancing to Top of the Pops, talking about boys and sneaking out the back for a smoke!!! All reasons I loved when Rosemary would come to babysit at our place. 

In the last few years Rosemary's illness started to take a hold but more seriously so in the past couple of years.  I am amazed at the strength and grace with which Rosemary lived her life and fought to the very end. I feel a deep sense of sadness for those left behind, Julian, Jayne, Fiona, Matthew, Michael and the rest of her family. 

I know that Rosemary is at peace now and is with her Mum and Dad, her Uncle George (my dad) and our Granny.  I believe heaven is rejoicing today as a beautiful, strong angel reunites with family that has gone before her.

Rosemary

Rest In Peace Rosemary Loch Osborne  

22 August 1959 - 9 April 2014

My Writing Process - Very First Blog Tour

I was invited to be a part of my very first blog tour by the amazing Lisa Kirchner: an author, storyteller and yogi residing in New York.  Lisa’s stimulating stories, sharp wit and phenomenal way with words tell an inspirational journey of vision and courage that all women need to hear. You also need to read Lisa’s first book, a memoire entitled Hello American Lady Creature, What I learned as a Woman in Qatar, which will be available on 31 May 2014. To check out Lisa’s answers to the blog tour click here and to check out her website click www.lisalkirchner.com.  Thanks Lisa!

My Writing Process

What am I working on?

I’m working on further developing an online healing space via my blog A Compulsive Story for those who suffer from eating disorders and planning to publish a book about my life’s journey with the disease of compulsive overeating. In the world of work, I am currently working on a new Website for Valued Lives and getting ready to launch SCRIBE Online in the coming months.

How does my work differ from others of its genre?

I think every single writer’s work differs from others – even within the same genre. All we can do is be true to our story and ourselves.  Personally, I endeavour to ensure authenticity in my writing, so the reader experiences the essence of Karen and who she is.

Why do I write what I do?

There are two reasons:  firstly to express my creativity. I love the written word, it inspires and connects to my soul at the deepest level, painting pictures in the canvas of my imagination.  Secondly, a deep desire to help others, to give hope and share the truth of my life’s journey in a unique way with those who are in a similar situation.  

How does my writing process work?

Subject matter for my writing tends to come through meditation, an Oprah ‘Aha’ moment, or just a knowing that I need to write on a certain subject. I write from a connected space that feels otherworldly. When I try to make my writing happen without that connection it simply does not work: no flow, no ideas and no words.  

Now let me introduce the next three beautiful bloggers on the tour who I’m sure you will thoroughly enjoy; Anna Kemp, Elysia Tsangarides and Kristen Taylor:

Anna Kemp:

Anna was born in Melbourne, Victoria but has lived in many places along the East Coast of Australia. She writes a personal/lifestyle blog titled Anna Savanna.  Initially the blog began as a hobby to pass the time during university holidays, but being able to write about anything she felt like and engaging with readers from around the globe was rather addictive. When a rare disorder forced her to quit her Masters Degree in Communications, the blog became her main pursuit. When she isn't posting on the blog she is working on her first fiction book, using instagram prolifically and generally being a flâneur. In her former life as a journalist, Anna wrote for Luxury Travel Magazine and Australian Art Collector, and freelanced for publications such as The Coffee Guide.  Anna currently lives in Sydney with her husband and two dogs.  

Anna Savanna

www.annasavanna.com

Elysia Tsangarides:

Elysia is many things, depending on the time of day. During work hours she is Marketer, Communicator, Event and Program Manager, as well as many cups of tea drinker. After 5pm she writes for Weekend Notes Perth, blogs at Prickles and Pearls, dabbles in many things creative but most of all, reads and writes a bunch! Traveller, foodie, lover, questioner, procrastinator, fence sitter, popcorn lover, dog owner, daughter, girlfriend, sister and amongst other things believer that life should be nothing short of extraordinary.  Check out Prickles and Pearls to enjoy a little bit of El. 

Prickles and Pearls

pricklesandpearls.blogspot.com.au

Kristen Taylor:

Kristen is a 34 year old Mobile, Alabama native who has been a self professed writer ever since she was first able to hold a pencil correctly.  At the age of 11, she had two original poems published in the annual edition of 'Sketches,' a 200-page booklet showcasing art and writings of students in the DoDDS schools in Germany.  Her next published work didn't occur till more than 20 years later when she was asked to contribute to a coffee-table book entitled 50 Shades of Black writing on the 'Global Preoccupation of Skin Tone' (as it relates to sexuality and how its portrayed in the media). However, for the past four years Kristen has been writing a myriad of topics on her blog The Personal Reflections of Kristen Alyce. With notebooks full of songs, scripts and short stories dating back as far as 2000, she hopes one day to compile all her work into a personal catalogue.  In the meantime, she is working on a currently untitled book where she discusses morality in dating relationships as they relate to scripture and its parallel to her personal dating experiences.  Coming soon to a bookshelf near you! Until then, check her out on her Personal Reflections blog; she'd loved to welcome you to her world! 

The Personal Reflections of Kirsten Alyce

http://kristenalyce.tumblr.com