Me and My Shadow

There comes a time in our lives when we have to get real.  A time when we have to look ourselves in the eye and be drop dead honest about our good and bad points. 

I used to be the kind of person that was terrified of being perceived as bad/not nice/wrong.  For an intelligent lady, it took me a fair while to understand that being perfect and doing everything right was virtually impossible; in fact striving for it was utterly exhausting. 

Nobody in this world is perfect, nobody has carte blanche on doing things right every single time and I now understand that part of  the whole human experience is owning our darker side, embracing instead of rejecting our shadow.  

For a long time I rejected my shadow, hid it from all and sundry due to fear of rejection, judgement or losing friends. In doing so I was in effect cutting myself off from a rich supply of information about how I tick. While this 'darkness' holds my unspoken fears, anger, judgements etc. it is very much part of who I am; for me to be a whole, truly happy human being, acceptance of the light as well as the dark side of me is extremely important.  

I am not for one minute suggesting that every time I make a mistake, or my shadow appears, I harshly criticise, judge, or beat myself up. However, what I do endeavour to do is learn from my negative actions and reactions, to see where I can grow and live in a more conscious way.  It is not comfortable to look at my shadow, but it is courageous and I am very grateful for every opportunity I have to become a better person today than I was yesterday.   

Carl Jung in his collected works says: "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.  If an inferiority is conscious, one always has a chance to correct it...but if it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, it never gets corrected."

Today, me and my shadow get along just fine! I actually do embrace that side of Karen.  I can laugh at some of my negative reactions, I know how to look for triggers to those moments that create a challenge in my life. Having learned how to handle that darker side of me has created a wholly positive outcome; a happier existence, self love, self acceptance and self respect. 

Get to know your shadow, embrace it, learn from it and be the amazing 'yin and yang' creation you are. 

Have You Heard Yourself?

I had no idea as a youngster that I had any control over my thinking.  I believed my thoughts were just the product of the way I was born, like having brown hair or blue eyes.  I did not realise I had the power of choice. 

From a very early age I suffered from anxiety.  So much so that at the age of 7 I was put on Valium!!  I remember being given this medication at night time to help me sleep.  Crazy I know, but I am guessing back in the sixties they really didn't delve much into child psychology or contemplate that a 7 year old could have an anxiety neurosis.  

I had such a vivid imagination for all things terrifying.  If someone was sick, then my mind and thoughts convinced me it was my turn next.  I remember one time even thinking my throat would bleed because my friend had had his tonsils out and he'd haemorrhaged.  Being so young I had no idea that a throat only bled if something major was going on and my mind said it was dangerous and could happen to me, so I believed it.

Looking back at the little girl I was, I can gently laugh at how my thought processes went.  I feel a lot of love and protection for the little girl in me and wish I could have told her that the fear she lived with in her mind could be switched off just by choosing what to think or focus on. It would have saved years of torture, believe me.

Today I am in the process of learning how to hear my thoughts and how to change the negative to the positive. 

It's as simple and as difficult as sitting quietly, breathing gently and deeply, focusing on my breath, imagining a stream of air flowing down into my diaphragm and back out again. 

While I am mindfully breathing my mind jabbers such a load of rubbish. The incessant noise of my thoughts is constant simply because that is the function of the brain and the best way to quieten that noise is to let the thoughts pass in and out of my conscious mind without resistance.  The surprising and unexpected outcome was seeing my thoughts disperse as quickly as they arrived in my conscious mind, leaving me without internal chatter for a few seconds.  No internal chatter is a state of bliss with an overwhelming sense of connection, peace and fearlessness.  

As time has moved on and I have practiced more and more of this type of meditation, I can now exercise my power of choice; I shut down the negative, fear inducing thoughts and replace them with positive, life enhancing thoughts.  It's as easy as looking right to left.  

Do yourself a huge favour, take some quiet time each day to hear your internal voice and if it is not enhancing your life, change the track that is playing in your brain.  It's all about living a happy existence people, do whatever it takes to enjoy each moment of your life experience!

Honour and Love Yourself

As a youngster, treating myself with dignity and love was either something I ignored, didn't do, didn't think I deserved, or felt was totally selfish. 

Karen

Little did I know as a wee girl/teenager/young adult that honouring myself, loving myself and putting my needs first is the single most important thing I could do to ensure my emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing.  

It took me a long time to be okay with saying the word 'No', to protect myself and honour my belief system, to not succumb to peer pressure because I was afraid of offending others and to stand up for myself in situations that were dishonouring me as a person on an emotional and spiritual level. 

It is never too late to start loving and honouring yourself. Would you believe that honouring Karen is a reasonably new concept for me?  I tell you it feels GREAT. It is entirely freeing to say No and mean it.  It is liberating to be true to myself - to speak my truth and not worry whether someone thinks I am a fruit loop or whether I am going to be judged.  
If those things happen in life (and they do) that is the other person's issue, not mine. 

I remember a wise old friend telling me once - "Karen what other people think of you is none of your business"  #truthrightthere.  I used to get so tied up in knots about silly stuff like that - now I let those who get tied up in knots about me, my life, beliefs, or way of living, deal with their own knots!!

I love me today

I love that I am spiritual

I love that I crave a spiritual connection

I love my sense of humour

I love that I put myself first
  
I love that I have loving, accepting, beautiful friends that love me for who I am

I love that I have 4 children gifted to me who have taught me more about unconditional love and acceptance than any other 4 humans on the planet

I love my smile

I love my body

I love that I care deeply for others

I love that I am loyal

I also love that that I have had  some hard, painful times. The hard knocks in life might well floor you, but when you dust yourself down and stand back up, you are a new, stronger person with much more clarity and self awareness.

I love too that I have battled with food issues all my life because it makes me wholly empathetic towards those who struggle with eating issues (it's not about greed or laziness folks!) This is a passion of mine so watch out for a new blog dedicated to just this subject. 

We human beings are a complex lot. Our ways of thinking, believing, expressing ourselves in day to day living, or creatively, our values, morals and thought processes are entirely individual. In my opinion, it's a good thing to celebrate the differences and learn lessons from each other while being careful not to force our way of living/thinking/believing onto another and vice versa.  

Mind you, I am not saying that we should be so heavenly bound we are of no earthly use and put up with continuously toxic people, places or things. The whole point of honouring and loving yourself is being able to stop your exposure to such situations.  

When you have love and honour for yourself you are powerful beyond measure. Remember that!

Are you Doing, or are you Being?

I describe myself as a 'spiritually driven soul' which means that I love, Love, LOVE to read books about all things divine, all things that create a connection on a spiritual level, feeding my soul, giving me direction, teaching me and guiding me on this magnificent journey of life.

This morning while reading one of those food for the soul scripts, some words jumped off the page at me, posing a question begging to be answered..... Karen, are you still 'DOING' or are you 'BEING'?

The couple of lines that hit me in my solar plexus were:

"If everything I do each day is driven by passion and a zest for living, then I am being, but if my actions are a result of fear, then I'm in doing mode."*

Of course when this type of stop me in my tracks moment happens, I have learned not to dismiss them because oftentimes on reflection, I find that I am given insight into some areas of my life that I could change to make my life experience even better. I also recognise the things I already do which enhance my life, giving me the spiritual connection I so deeply desire.

For me, fear was a huge aspect in my life as a young girl, teenager and young mum.  I used to suffer panic attacks at a very young age, which then came back in my teen years and stayed with me until my late twenties.  Living with that type of anxiety makes you do a lot of doing!

Over the years I have been healed from many of those demons, but I would say even now there are still some residual fear based attitudes that I could let go of.  There continues to be moments of doing rather than being.  After today's little 'message for Karen' I will endeavour to change that!

As for the things I do each day that are driven by passion and a zest for living, I realise there are still dreams unfulfilled and it excites me to know that there are even more opportunities to further enhance my life experience.

Life is for living and enjoying. For me, it is also about growing, learning and loving. We don't need to DO anything to experience this, we just need to BE -  and as this author so beautifully puts it..... 'connect with the soul of our magnificence'.

*Dying to Be Me - Anita Moorjani

Stop Trying... Just Breathe and Be

I wrote this in my journal a while ago about  mindful breathing in meditation..

In my breathing I am aware that I am 'trying' too hard...  I need to let go of trying and just BE. 

Be Still

Be Aware

Be Strong

Be Healed

Be Loved

Be Blessed

Be Free

Be Surrendered

Be Joyous

Be Peaceful 

Be Serene

You can never run from  the true essence of yourself - you crave to be the real you, the spiritually centred, peaceful minded, serene, joyous, happy, secure, free person enjoying every moment of your life experience. To do this..  

Just Breathe and Be

When The Student Is Ready....

They say that when the student is ready the teacher appears, and I really feel like a student at the moment. I shared one time recently about the different levels of awareness in my journey to recovery and in the subtopic when it says "seeming inability to accept much on faith", I realised that it was in fact just that.. a seeming inability.

The fact is that at the moment my God has blessed me with the grace to realise that I am part of Him/Her/Universe/Love, that dwells in me - and - when I can observe the noise of my thoughts, move past them, connect with that wonderful life giving Source/Spirit within me, that I am blessed with peace, serenity, clarity of thought.. and faith.

I am so grateful for all the negative experiences of my past that have led me to this point.
If I had not lived the life I have so far, I would not be at this point of learning. I have so much hope and so much excitement about the way I am learning. The way my deepest desire - which has always been for peace of mind and serenity in my spirit, is being realised.

Now, I am not walking about all rosy cheeked and happy all the time!!! However, I am aware that I can watch my thinking, stop, breathe, look at my feelings, feel them without being consumed by them and then choose what action I take. What freedom that brings - being connected with my HP is the single most important part of my journey.

When I am connected to my Source I hear the truth, I have acceptance of how everything is in the present. I am not the summation of my past nor the projections of my future. I am just who I am now; beautiful, present, loved, recovering and connected to my God. When I am in OA meetings I am connected to every single person receiving recovery, love and acceptance - that is such a strong foundation for my recovery, my faith and my journey today. Thank you - I really really appreciate it.

Awareness

Over the years I have been in and around OA and recovery meetings, my awareness levels have changed enormously. Initially, I was aware I was not happy. I was your typical restless irritable and discontent person, yet I couldn't work out why. I had been luckier than most in my life with regard to material possessions etc.then when I found out about the Big Book of AA, and read it, in my head I thought - hey this could help me with my "diet"! At that time I had no idea OA existed, so, I did what was said in the Big Book and as a consequence lost bucket loads of weight. However, I saw it as a way of "dieting", as a means to an end, not a way of life.

Living that way, unaware of the nature of my disease, I slipped into relapse. The next level of awareness to come was that my disease was not about the food, or my weight, or how I looked. It was about my self esteem and my stinking thinking, how I had suffered in my life from a very strict upbringing,bad relationship with parents etc. When I eventually found my way to OA rooms this was where I was at and so I worked on that emotional garbage; sought a sponsor and counsellor, became aware of the damage done to me emotionally, went through many healing and painful times and the miracle was that the compulsion to eat left me.

Fast forward a few more years - I slipped into relapse AGAIN!! This time the awareness of my disease was the spiritual side. How for me, the only way and the most important thing for me to stay in recovery was to become aware of the power of my God, to connect with my God and to develop a God concept I was comfortable with. This was to lead to my most lasting period of abstinence and recovery, however, the one thing that I was still not aware of was my deep seated, almost hidden, terror of surrendering completely.

I am at this stage now - not in full relapse but slipping, food intake is up, emotions are all over the place, life changes have happened and I need to surrender completely, utterly, 100 percent, stop fighting with myself and abusing myself. God is good, my God is a patient, loving, constant, always there God who keeps the doors of OA rooms open and ready for me to become aware enough to go to the next level.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not to your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."

I loved this scripture and it was also in a gospel song. For some reason I have always remembered it, even though I am not a regular church goer anymore. I am grateful for the awareness that I need to surrender to have the direction in my life that I so desire.