Awareness

Over the years I have been in and around OA and recovery meetings, my awareness levels have changed enormously. Initially, I was aware I was not happy. I was your typical restless irritable and discontent person, yet I couldn't work out why. I had been luckier than most in my life with regard to material possessions etc.then when I found out about the Big Book of AA, and read it, in my head I thought - hey this could help me with my "diet"! At that time I had no idea OA existed, so, I did what was said in the Big Book and as a consequence lost bucket loads of weight. However, I saw it as a way of "dieting", as a means to an end, not a way of life.

Living that way, unaware of the nature of my disease, I slipped into relapse. The next level of awareness to come was that my disease was not about the food, or my weight, or how I looked. It was about my self esteem and my stinking thinking, how I had suffered in my life from a very strict upbringing,bad relationship with parents etc. When I eventually found my way to OA rooms this was where I was at and so I worked on that emotional garbage; sought a sponsor and counsellor, became aware of the damage done to me emotionally, went through many healing and painful times and the miracle was that the compulsion to eat left me.

Fast forward a few more years - I slipped into relapse AGAIN!! This time the awareness of my disease was the spiritual side. How for me, the only way and the most important thing for me to stay in recovery was to become aware of the power of my God, to connect with my God and to develop a God concept I was comfortable with. This was to lead to my most lasting period of abstinence and recovery, however, the one thing that I was still not aware of was my deep seated, almost hidden, terror of surrendering completely.

I am at this stage now - not in full relapse but slipping, food intake is up, emotions are all over the place, life changes have happened and I need to surrender completely, utterly, 100 percent, stop fighting with myself and abusing myself. God is good, my God is a patient, loving, constant, always there God who keeps the doors of OA rooms open and ready for me to become aware enough to go to the next level.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not to your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."

I loved this scripture and it was also in a gospel song. For some reason I have always remembered it, even though I am not a regular church goer anymore. I am grateful for the awareness that I need to surrender to have the direction in my life that I so desire.