Burn Out
Before I went to Sydney/Melbourne for a 9 day break, I was talking with my counsellor (Yep I see a counsellor because she keeps me sane and is a non judgemental, caring ear that I can spill my guts too) - anyway, I was telling her how I have been feeling lately and wondering what the issue/s is/are - she said 'Karen this is a simple case of classic burn out.'
We then started talking about all the things I do in my life, what has gone on with me health-wise in the last 6 months and how I tend not to voice my needs or put myself first.
I find it very hard to do either of the aforementioned because I am a Mother - and in addition to that I am a Carer. Voicing my needs tends to create anxiety in me and a pre-existing garbage message, that to do so is 'selfish.' Not speaking of the not-so-positive moments/days/weeks in my life has been the norm for me. Everyone likes to see strong, happy, smiley full-of-life and fun Karen, but right now she is done in, washed up and burnt out, needing a lot of understanding of her situation and not to be taken for granted.
The love I have for my daughter and my sons is - as any mother will tell you - a love that runs deeper than can ever be explained. The fact that my daughter is a young lady who has special needs and who is vulnerable in this world means that my love for her and my concern about her life, her future and her happiness is all consuming. All that mental and emotional energy is spent with constant thoughts of wanting the best for her; her safety, her dignity, her emotional needs being met, her physical needs being met, her being surrounded by people who understand her and love her the way I do, her financial security and on and on the list goes.
As a Mother I don't think any of us totally cut off from thinking about all our children in this way, but when faced with the fact that one of your children will not be able to ever live life completely independently or without support, there is a lot of anxiety and heartache. On top of all that internal dialogue there is the actual physicality of caring for another adult; dressing, hygiene, feeding, watching when crossing a road, planning her life and her future; from arranging schools, to alternative to employment agencies, carers, dentists, doctors, funding applications to contacting all those that can help create the best possible life for her..... on and on that list goes too.... and you might begin to see why I am feeling so exhausted.
Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful network of helpful people and friends in my life; beautiful people who all love Caragh and are more than happy to help where they can in the planning and implementation of a more independent life for her while supporting me in the process. I am eternally grateful to every single person on this journey and there are no words I can say to express my gratitude. However, and I say this with the utmost respect, at the end of the day I am home alone with my gorgeous girl, doing what needs done - and before anyone pipes up with well 'that's your job' or 'what's the alternative' or 'she's your responsibility' - I KNOW all that. I just need to voice what I am feeling.
Seven years down the track of being on my own with Caragh is taking it's toll on me. I wish I had the fountain of eternal youth, or that I had not got sick back in May, or that caring for her was not so physically and mentally demanding. I love her. I love everything about her. I love her smile, her chat with me, her love of music, her messiness with paper all around her, her sense of humour.. there is SO much
to love about her.
I feel guilty that I am running out of steam to care for her, I feel a mixture of excitement for her future life in her own place with a carer and the dread of a mother letting go of her baby. What happens when she feels sick, or gets a migraine, or is upset?? Who is going to show her the tenderness and love/ care she needs at those times.. will it be the same as Mum? Who will understand her when she talks, I do, I know Caragh's language inside out but not everybody does. Isn't it crazy that we mothers think we are the only ones that can give the best to our kids ???
These are just some of the thought processes that go on in my head and as a result Karen gets left behind, yet Karen needs to be looking after herself right now on a whole lot of levels. Karen needs to stop feeling guilty for having needs of her own; needs such as waking up in the morning and only having myself to deal with - do you KNOW how much of a blessing that is?? It is one of my favourite things when I do get away for a few days - waking up and just having ME to deal with. Karen wants to work full-time which is an impossibility right now, Karen wants to live the life any other woman her age is - weekends away with girls, going out somewhere on the spur of the moment, going to the gym at any time of the day .. having the energy to go to the gym at all at the moment is an issue!
Classic burn out is not a great spot to be in - one moment you can rationalise and say "this too will pass" and the next you feel overwhelmed by the whole process. Writing is a creative and healing tool - it helps me to release the build up of emotions and allows perspective of what is going on inside. I promise I am not insane.. just burnt out.. and no doubt soon enough I will bounce back to my energetic happy-smiley-self :)
Next time I will write about candy floss clouds, sweet smelling roses and a sky filled with diamonds - or does that sound insane??? x
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