When The Student Is Ready....

They say that when the student is ready the teacher appears, and I really feel like a student at the moment. I shared one time recently about the different levels of awareness in my journey to recovery and in the subtopic when it says "seeming inability to accept much on faith", I realised that it was in fact just that.. a seeming inability.

The fact is that at the moment my God has blessed me with the grace to realise that I am part of Him/Her/Universe/Love, that dwells in me - and - when I can observe the noise of my thoughts, move past them, connect with that wonderful life giving Source/Spirit within me, that I am blessed with peace, serenity, clarity of thought.. and faith.

I am so grateful for all the negative experiences of my past that have led me to this point.
If I had not lived the life I have so far, I would not be at this point of learning. I have so much hope and so much excitement about the way I am learning. The way my deepest desire - which has always been for peace of mind and serenity in my spirit, is being realised.

Now, I am not walking about all rosy cheeked and happy all the time!!! However, I am aware that I can watch my thinking, stop, breathe, look at my feelings, feel them without being consumed by them and then choose what action I take. What freedom that brings - being connected with my HP is the single most important part of my journey.

When I am connected to my Source I hear the truth, I have acceptance of how everything is in the present. I am not the summation of my past nor the projections of my future. I am just who I am now; beautiful, present, loved, recovering and connected to my God. When I am in OA meetings I am connected to every single person receiving recovery, love and acceptance - that is such a strong foundation for my recovery, my faith and my journey today. Thank you - I really really appreciate it.

I am Present, One Day At A Time

You are not the summation of your past or the projection of your future.

You are what you are NOW -

A beautiful, present, loved being dwelling in this physical "home," learning to love this "home" you have been given and accept this "home" you are in.

Awareness

Over the years I have been in and around OA and recovery meetings, my awareness levels have changed enormously. Initially, I was aware I was not happy. I was your typical restless irritable and discontent person, yet I couldn't work out why. I had been luckier than most in my life with regard to material possessions etc.then when I found out about the Big Book of AA, and read it, in my head I thought - hey this could help me with my "diet"! At that time I had no idea OA existed, so, I did what was said in the Big Book and as a consequence lost bucket loads of weight. However, I saw it as a way of "dieting", as a means to an end, not a way of life.

Living that way, unaware of the nature of my disease, I slipped into relapse. The next level of awareness to come was that my disease was not about the food, or my weight, or how I looked. It was about my self esteem and my stinking thinking, how I had suffered in my life from a very strict upbringing,bad relationship with parents etc. When I eventually found my way to OA rooms this was where I was at and so I worked on that emotional garbage; sought a sponsor and counsellor, became aware of the damage done to me emotionally, went through many healing and painful times and the miracle was that the compulsion to eat left me.

Fast forward a few more years - I slipped into relapse AGAIN!! This time the awareness of my disease was the spiritual side. How for me, the only way and the most important thing for me to stay in recovery was to become aware of the power of my God, to connect with my God and to develop a God concept I was comfortable with. This was to lead to my most lasting period of abstinence and recovery, however, the one thing that I was still not aware of was my deep seated, almost hidden, terror of surrendering completely.

I am at this stage now - not in full relapse but slipping, food intake is up, emotions are all over the place, life changes have happened and I need to surrender completely, utterly, 100 percent, stop fighting with myself and abusing myself. God is good, my God is a patient, loving, constant, always there God who keeps the doors of OA rooms open and ready for me to become aware enough to go to the next level.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not to your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."

I loved this scripture and it was also in a gospel song. For some reason I have always remembered it, even though I am not a regular church goer anymore. I am grateful for the awareness that I need to surrender to have the direction in my life that I so desire.

Feelings

It feels like someone is gripping my insides with a vice, my eyes sting trying to stem the flow of tears, my heart rate goes up, the lump in my throat is hard, my mind tries unsuccessfully to calm me down saying, what does it matter?? how important is it??

The frustration I feel is so utterly overwhelming. The disappointment I feel is etched deep in my soul. The anger I feel is like a restrained, raging tornado, that if let loose would create immense damage. I am silently SCREAMING. I need to be heard. I need to be respected. I want to ask why do you not understand how I feel ?? Do I not MATTER?

I do not know if any of the above feelings are right for me to feel, but I feel them.  Are they are a pity pot tantrum?? I cannot gauge this at all.  These are the feelings that happen when I feel completely taken for granted.

Do you ever question yourself when you have negative feelings like these??  Or do you realise that they are a natural part of the human experience.  Emotions can be high or low, good or bad, happy or sad and everyone has them.  I know this, yet more often than not question whether it is okay for me to have them.  Questions whether it is okay to stand up for myself and put myself first.  Am I asking too much to have my needs met or at least understood?

My Disease

Exhausted Drained
Emotions Wrought
Feelings Avoided
Intensely Fought

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

Tear Drenched
Consumed Thoughts
Control Lacking
Sanity Lost

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

Sick Thinking
Fear of Feeling
Self Will Rioting
Isolation Seeking

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

Compulsive Consuming
Mindless Mastication
Soul Sacrifice
Momentary Gratification

Food The Enemy
Food The Friend
Food The Grim Reaper
Food The End

My Disease.

Where Do I Begin?

I don't know where to begin and yet I am so good at telling others where to begin - how do I do it, where do I even make a start??

I thought that by now I might have "got it", or at least have an understanding of how to start, but as I let go of all the things that I "used", as the emotions rear their very much alive and extremely sensitive heads, I realize that everything I have learned so far in my life and journey to recovery has been head knowledge that has not yet been imprinted on my heart or in my soul.

I am talking about actual, real, true, no nonsense LOVE of myself.

I LOVE people: my friends; family; strangers; babies; old people - I go out of my way to be nice; friendly; caring; interested; loving; compassionate; respectful; fun and giving - the list could go on - however, I do NOT know how to afford myself the same pleasure that I so tirelessly ensure I give to others. Subconsciously I have used any number of ways out-with my soul to try to fulfill the almost primal need in me to be loved - even though common sense dictated that nothing external can ever bring me peace of mind and happiness in my soul.

How does one begin to love themselves? It is a totally alien concept to me. Even typing about it feels uncomfortable. Yet, I know that until I learn to do just that, things in my life will not change for the better.

How do you love yourself, when you loathe yourself? Where do I find the compassion needed to forgive myself the harms I have done. How do I gain the where-with-all to care about what I feel, to believe my worth, to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I matter?

This is the next part of my journey to me. I have done a lot of external caring i.e. health checks, dentist, physiotherapy etc. I THOUGHT I had done a lot of internal work on my spiritual connection and emotional health - but I was wrong.

I admit there is a problem here, I just do not know how to love myself. Can anyone tell me where to start??

Starting Over

This is the beginning of the next level in my journey..experiencing the lifetime of emotions that have been hidden in the deep dark crevices of my mind!!! Watch this space..........plus its a test to see how this blogspot works :)